Brains-- and Vampires Don't Sparkle.

[Note for the performers: It has been found if this piece works best with two contrasting accents. The vampire is usually done with a very thick, overly stereotypical dracula/transylvanian accent, and Waldon is usually done with a British one, but you can give him any accent you want, really. Keep in mind to give both characters a very different posture, and consider the traditional zombie locked arms- people are usually amused by it.]

Introduction:

V: I want to suck your blood! What, you were expecting more cute? More cuddly? More Edward? Hah. We creatures of the undead learn a lot from your mortals.

W: There are a few things we know for certain in this world. First, Brussels sprouts are disgusting, even as a side dish for brains,

V: Second, Tech support sucks as much as I do, Hah!

W: And the only thing tastier than brains, is more

Brains—and Vampires Don't Sparkle. By Nicholas Macintyre.

WALDON: Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Waldon.I'm a Zombie. Brains, and all that.Now, now, don't-And so commences the screaming, and the running.The door's locked, you know! Deadbolt and everything!Ah, but you're going to try to open it anyway, aren't you?They always do. And tramp'ling one another isn't going to solve much either.Just more brains for me without the bad karma of killing you. I mean... is it so awful of a zombie to think about his own spiritual future?

VIC: I want to suck your blood! I want to see your veins spewing with the red elixir of life, your muscles having spasms of pain as I draw out your last breath, your-

W: That's a bit overdone, ain't it?

V: What?

W: The…descriptions of everything you're going to do to them. Rather unnecessary, if you ask me. It's going to happen in a minute anyway.

V: Hey. At least I'm not eating their brains! Disgusting.

W: Really. Is it all that bad?All I want to do is eat their brains.I'm not unreasonable! I'm not even rude!You, however, need to reevaluate how you talk to strangers.

V: I'm sorry. I've had a tough time, recently.

W: Do you want to talk about it? [motions at audience] Hold on a mome, please.

V: Alright, so, I don't know where this Stefano Mayonnaise woman got this idea, but she has caused me and many others like me to completely lose our reputations. You try having a nice conversation with someone when every sentence out of their mouth has something to do with a Cullen. Vampires don't sparkle. The sunlight turns me into a really horrific beast, and they don't want that. I promise. Even other works of fiction, such as the story of our all-father Dracula were never this ill-conceived.

W: I understand. I've been having some troubles, too.

V: Really? Like what? [motions to judge] Please, just wait a second, we'll get right back to you.

W: Well, people don't seem to understand that I don't really mean to do them that much harm. At least I'm not asking for all the rest of their vital organs. Livers you need, Kidneys are pretty important... stomachs are pretty much unwanted, especially since I don't know what they've been eating. Now, if they gave me a list of everything they've eaten, it'd be fine. Just, no Cheetos. What's not good for them is no good for me either. (Looks hurt) Now, we don't need to be giving looks like that, do we?I have feelings too. (Sniffs) I find that very rude of you.I don't appreciate being treated like a common monster!

V: No, not you. Just realized they have a red cross here. Blood drive was yesterday. Sorry. But anyway, There are a few basic points I would like to make. First, Dracula was a bad-ass. Straight up, word to your mother kind of stuff. He didn't go around macking on human girls, kay? Kay. Well, once or twice, maybe, but that isn't the point. We don't arbitrarily decide not to feast on humans. I would love to live without the social stigma of cannibalism, but it is necessary for my survival. Making vampires vegetarian is like making Chuck Norris a pacifist in your book. No blood suck, no roundhouse kick. Nobody wants that.

W:Oh- [death choking noises] Nah, just messing with you, I can't die, but seriously. Why do you all have shotguns?One second, Vampy, I've got to talk to them.It won't help, anyway. And please put down your phones. Calling the National Guard won't do much either. (Spoken spookily) Just... makes me hungrier. (Beat, regains composure)

We're trying to be civil. Do you really want to die acting completely insane?They'll say, at your funeral, 'I'll never forget her last words. 'AAAHHH, OH MY GOD AHHHHH.'How very eloquent.Can't you offer up one of the least intelligent among you? They aren't contributing at all, they're no help to society, what would you be missing? At least it's not YOUR brain. For now.

V: Humans aren't attractive to most of us anyway, except as food. Speaking of, you have a really nice jugular. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna bring you home and love you 'till death do us part. That means I'm going to suck out everything I can get from it and leave you as a dry, rotting corpse! But I digress.

W: I really don't think you quite understand how hard it is to be a Zombie.People are always screaming at you. Not even expletives. Just... senseless things like AHHHH! and RUNNNNN!!! RUNNN!!!! It's especially horrid when everyone's screaming it together. Then you just get a lot of NNNNNN and AHHHH like the birth of a really ugly baby.

V: Our whole SHTICK as vampires is our evil. We are horror stories come to life! We are your darkest nightmares! We're the world's best predator! Didn't your mother ever teach you not to play with your food? Just like when humans are children and they're told not to throw rice everywhere, we don't carry rice up trees, and make out with rice, and have babies with rice, and—oops, spoiler in the metaphor.

W: Well, I can't have a nice conversation with anyone anymore. I can't sit down and discuss the importance of my existence in relation to overpopulation, I certainly can't join a book club, and few people want to invite me to speak at their science fiction conventions, despite their supposed "zombie fandom".[To the judge] Will you hold still? Really. You have no respect for other people's conversations.

V: Admittedly, it is easier for me to fake being a human, as I'm not half rotted-

W: 'Ey! I'm nine sixteenths rotted, thank you!

V: Whatever. And also, Vampires don't play baseball. Stickedy Maples has no idea what she's talking about. Maybe she should do some research before she writes her books, eh? I bet she's never even read Dracula. If she had, she might have been smart enough not to make me angry.

W: At least I'm not sticking to the stereotype, I'll even ask them politely:[To the judge] May I have your brains?I'll take your 'OH MY GOD AHHHHH!! AAAHHH!!" as a no.You people, believing in the stereotype. Clearly I'm not like that. I can even string whole sentences together! In some places, that's even better than a regular human!

V: Back to the baseball. First of all, if I wanted to do something fun, I'd go hunt some blood, or do one of those LARP things with the humans that wear too much eyeliner. I wouldn't hit a ball around with a bat and pretend like the points I score have some meaning other than to further the growth of my ego.

W: No, just kidding, I can't actually die. But seriously. A butcher knife? Are you kidding? What's next? A sword? Axe? Mace? (pause) portable Guillotine? I'm fairly certain I didn't carry things like that around when I was a human.

V: Pathetic. Look, I have an engagement in an hour with a walk-in refrigerator full of packets of blood. Can we hurry this up?

W: Sounds good. (Spoken spookily)Oo, I'm hungry. (Beat, regains composure) I'll ask them politely once again.

V: If you must.

W: May I eat your brains, please? Even just half of it? It's a perfectly legitimate procedure. Lobotomies are still popular, aren't they? Worst that can happen is you will sit all day and not worry... or... think, but still!

V: And I promise that after I suck your blood I won't leave any, so you don't have to live in torment as an immortal slave to my every whim.

W: You're really bad at this persuasion thing. (beat)How is stabbing me going to solve anything?Whoever cleans this mall is going to have so much trouble picking up after my decaying flesh, now.... Look, even though I know someone eating your cerebrum—
V: --Or drinking your blood—
W: isn't your favorite future prospect, fish have got to swim and all that, Right? No?

V: You appear to be just as bad at this persuasion thing.

W: Shut up. They obviously just want me to be like all the other Zombies.

V: And now would be ample time to show them my beautiful smile eh? Partners? You take the brains, I take the blood? W: Sounds good. [To the judge] Shut up, you don't have a say in the matter.

V: Alright. –clears throat- I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!

W: You know, you remind me of that kid from those books. What was his name? Edward?

V: I hate you.

W: Ah, whatever.

V: Let's try this again. I VANT TO SUCK YOUR-

W: BRRAAAIINNNSSSSS!

-End-

I wrote this because I have a love for zombies, and the twilight books, while not bad in themselves, are fun to make fun of. This started out originally as a monologue with just the Zombie, Waldon, but I wanted to make it longer for all of you in forensics. So, here you go. roughly 8-10 minutes, depending on dramatic pauses and inflection. Sorry for such a long time between posts!

Welcome!

Hello, I'm Nicholas Macintyre. Welcome to Ninety Lines a Minute. I write monologues- or at least, i'm starting up writing monologues- both humorous and dramatic. Feel free to use mine for anything you'd like, but please credit them with my name. You can email me at Macintyre.Nicholas(At)gmail(dot)com, and I'd love to hear from you! Let me know if you liked my monologues, or if you thought something needed revision. Tell me if you use them someplace, I love hearing that my work is being spread. Sometimes, people are shy to tell me they've used it (dunno why...) So be my spotters! Tell me if you see my work somewhere, and I'll be ecstatic.

Feel free to comment or critique any of my writing, as I know I'm still in the process of getting better. I'll edit accordingly. And though the title and url might seem to indicate some sort of speed, it's just my little joke towards you all, I suppose. Posting here, or at least postings of my writing, will probably be few and far between, as you know that we all have many things weighing down upon us. Stresses, etc. Feel free to ask me any questions, I'll respond whenever I see them.

Thanks again!